Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize