So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
