My friends, they love my intelligence
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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