I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
