Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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