in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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