So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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