It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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