why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
