YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize