so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize