3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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