We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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