I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
