Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
