I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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