he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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