I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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