The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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