im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
