no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
