You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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