Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
