I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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