my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
