I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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