i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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