Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
