I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
