the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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