We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
