Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
