No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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