My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
