And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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