they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
