I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
