In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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