I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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