If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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