In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
