He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize