Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
