Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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