took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
