you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
