Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
