I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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