apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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