woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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