I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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