I'm going to rape someone's good day.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
