Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
