I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
