so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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