Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
