Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
