The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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