Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
