He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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