did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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