The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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