Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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