Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Randomize
