I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
