Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
