apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
