She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
