I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
